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Let Me Tell You About That Time I Almost Died.

Let me tell you a little story about that time I almost died.  But first, a little back story.  I’ve always been a really healthy person.  Like, its rare for me to get a cold.  I affirm to myself all the time that my immune system is awesome, that I am healthy as a horse and that my body is strong.  So, having only had to deal with minor and infrequent illness in my life it was quite a disruption to my worldview to find myself in a highly medicalized environment in pursuit of a baby. 

Health things have always come easily to me.  If I need to lose weight, I do it.  If I need to improve my cardio, I do it.  Eat better?  I’m on it.  Set a goal, make a plan, execute plan.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not always intentional with my health.  I have had situations where it gets a little unmanageable.  But I know I can always get back on track.  Or at least back within reasonable parameters. 

So you can imagine how unprepared I was for the fertility process.  Daily appointments, blood draws and medications.  Always at the doctors, always knowing too many negative details about the process.  (Too much information is not always good!)  The tide of positive thoughts about my health and body started to turn. 

There was a bit of an uptick when we got the positive pregnancy test, but the thing about fertility is that you go from knowing everything about what is going on with your reproductive system to this limbo where you have no appointments.  You reach the pinnacle in the medical process, it is successful and then you wait.  With no information.  Like, your next appointment is in 2 months.  And they have trained you to need those test results, and that constant monitoring.  I needed that drug of information like I needed air. 

Left to my own devices I started to think about everything that could go wrong.  I pondered the odds of a successful pregnancy.  And felt worse, and worse and worse.  Until one day, I had a miscarriage.  I hemorrhaged so badly that I ended up needing 8 blood transfusions. (The human body has approx 10 units of blood and 8 brought me up to about 75% hemoglobin levels, so I pretty much bled out.)  I had my first helicopter ride while being airlifted to a major center for emergency surgery, spent 4 days in the ICU, and 2 months recovering physically. 

This wake up call for my health and life was not messing around.  It took another year and one more unsuccessful try for a baby, and I realized that pursuing this was just training me to feel the lack of a baby.  It was a daily reminder of our childlessness.  I had to make some major changes in my life so that I could start feeding my health, rather than my illness.  As soon as I let it go, I birthed 2 creative babies into my world, and started nurturing my health.   

I know that we will have our own human children sometime.  But I’m going to have to have my head game strong to find the healing that needs to happen in order to see that materialize in my life.  This whole process really brought home to me the concept that what we feed gets stronger, whether that is the fear, the illness, the lack, or the good, the abundance and the joy. 

So imma keep creating and feeling good.  I’ll keep you posted on the outcome. 

Love always,

Carmen

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